The Quiet Strength of Self-Compassion

“Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.”
– Pema Chödrön

Dr. Kristin Neff, author of The Power of Self-Compassion and Professor at the University of Texas, defines self-compassion as treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend who is having a hard time. It sounds simple, but in Western culture, there’s often far more emphasis on being kind to others than there is on being kind to ourselves.

Why does self-compassion matter?

Without even realising it, many of us operate under the belief that we’ll only succeed if we’re hard on ourselves. We imagine that the inner critic—the voice pointing out our flaws—keeps us sharp, motivated, or “on our toes.” For some, this voice runs in the background; for others, it’s loud and relentless.

But research consistently tells a different story: those who practise self-compassion experience less anxiety, depression, stress, and shame. In short, being kind to ourselves doesn’t make us lazy—it makes us resilient. It builds emotional wellbeing.

Let’s put this in context. Imagine a friend calls you in distress. They’re behind on a deadline, and their boss has set up a meeting to talk. Would you say:
“I’m not surprised your boss wants to speak with you. It sounds like you’ve messed up again. You really just can’t seem to do anything right, can you?”

Of course not! You’d probably offer reassurance, remind them of their strengths, and help them see the bigger picture. Yet when we make mistakes, many of us respond with that exact kind of harshness. Somehow, we give ourselves far less compassion than we’d offer anyone else.

When the pressure piles on

Even those who usually have a good handle on self-kindness may find it harder during challenging times. Take the pandemic, for example—though it may feel like a distant memory now, it left a lasting impact. The pressures of home schooling, isolation, working remotely, and heightened health concerns put many of us under immense strain. And for some, the inner taskmaster dialled up to full volume.

Even now, years later, the ripple effects remain. Many of us still carry unrealistic expectations of how we “should” be coping or performing. We compare ourselves to others, often without context, and end up feeling like we’re falling short.

Back then, social media was full of people mastering sourdough, learning new languages, or revamping their homes. That atmosphere created the perfect storm for self-criticism—leading to a cycle of chasing quick relief (numbing out, overworking, scrolling endlessly) followed by guilt for not living up to an ideal.

How to begin practising self-compassion

If any of this resonates, and you’re curious about becoming more self-compassionate, here are a few places to start:

1. Start by listening to yourself.
Notice your internal dialogue. What are you saying to yourself when things go wrong? Are you encouraging—or critical? Just paying attention is the first step.

2. Drop the judgement.
The moment you catch yourself thinking, “I should…” or comparing yourself to someone else, pause. These are signs that you might not be treating yourself kindly. Ask: Would I speak to a friend this way?

3. Challenge the inner critic.
Often, our distress stems not from the situation itself, but from the belief that we should be handling things differently. “I should be coping better.” “Others are managing—why can’t I?” Notice these thoughts, and gently remind yourself: just because a thought appears doesn’t mean it’s true.

Every one of us has our own path through difficult times. We’re all learning, we all make mistakes, and none of us needs to earn our worth through perfection.

You are allowed to give yourself a break. You are allowed to speak to yourself with gentleness. And you are allowed to be a work in progress.

If any of this resonates with you, and you’re curious about how self-compassion could be part of your healing, therapy might be a helpful next step. You don’t need to figure it all out alone. Get in touch if you’d like to explore how we could work together—I’d be glad to hear from you.

In the meantime, here are some reading to explore at your own pace:

• Book: The Kindness Method by Shahroo Izadi
• Book: The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert
• Book: The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff

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Article by Catherine Noel

Published 13 Apr 2025

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